One of the things that I have realized I need to work on as I travel this path of discernment is my ability to put into words my understanding of that which is beyond understanding.
I have what I like to believe is a reasonably well-thought-out faith, but I struggle with finding the right words to express what I feel. Furthermore, I am fairly sensitive to the power of words both to hurt and to harm as well as to mark belonging to a group or faction. This is no less true within the church, and I am particularly reluctant to fall into speech patterns which to me seem to indicate a more "evangelical" or "fundamentalist" take on Christianity. My reluctance is deep set (due to various past experiences which I may latter detail on this blog) but these patterns of speech are ubiquitous and familiar: "in my youth" (hilarious phrase considering my considerable current youthfulness) I had evangelical leanings and adopted these speech patterns in order to fit it.
Thus, one of my goals with this blog is to talk about God and faith and theology, to find ways of expressing myself which are honest, accurate, and comfortable. I love the common prayers we use, both in the Alternative Services book and the Book of Common Prayer, and I am very much drawn to their poetry and beauty. However, this appreciation makes me unfortunately afraid of speaking myself, since I want to be able to pray (for example) in a way that is of similar beauty. Hardly a reasonable standard to set for myself, but reasonableness is not aways my strong suit. I hope to overcome this reluctance by practicing in this (nominally) public but also anonymous space.
The converse of new prayers is of course giving new life to old prayers. Jared at Scribere Orare Est is in many ways an inspiration in this sense - in many of his posts he sprinkles everday language with the old-fashioned prayers of the church and thus gives them new depth and meaning; the whole post becomes a prayer. I experienced a similar phenomenon durring Taize prayers, where a sung refrain (e.g. Kyrie eleison) became a response during prayers; we use this response pattern during the prayers of the people, but the meaning of the words seemed different after singing them as a prayer on their own and in Latin. (This doesn't make sense when I explain it like that; perhaps the difference in experience was more contextual. Taize-style worship is in any case quite unique and ought to be experienced by anyone who has the chance.)
This is the context in which I am drawn to write a few reflexions on Mother's Day.
Strong mother God, working night and day,
planning all the wonders of creation,
setting each equation, genius at play:
Hail and hosanna, strong mother God!
I first discovered this marvellous hymn at Holy Trinity, Toronto, which I attended on "Pride Sunday" (i.e. the Sunday on which is held the Pride Parade) one year. It was a very touching service, with the Sunday school children handing out rainbow bracelets to everyone in attendance and the sermon delivered by two teens raised by a lesbian couple. My favorite aspect of this hymn is the way the various verses (mother, father, old, young) do not resort to the "expected" aspect of the position - instead, we sing of strong mother and caring father. It is so easy, especially with Mother's day, to fall back on otherwise outdated notions of motherhood. They are, afterall, familiar and easy. Thus mothers are gentle and pink and loving. Churches too are guilty of this (some purposely). The children's sermon I heard this morning, for example, talked about how a mother's love is always there without us needing to think about it (like breathing), and compared this to God's love.
Now I don't want to cast doubt on the idea that we use human relationships to attempt to understand God. I will never forget the feeling of awe I felt when, in the throes of a new relationship, I went to church and sang of God's love - and was suddenly struck by the thought that God's love was similar to what I felt for my love, yet bigger and more wonderful. It was a startling feeling and one which has stuck with me.
Of course, human relationships are messy. None moreso than motherhood - and that's even when you move beyond the poop-and-puke image. Holding up one relationship above all others is tricky at the best of times, and few relationships engender such strong emotions as motherhood - good or bad. Those who were hurt by their encounters with motherhood, either in absence or presence of their own mother, or in the search for or experience of motherhood itself, cannot but be troubled by this holiday. Even moreso because of the fairly intractable nature of the relationship; unlike Valentine's Day, for example, where coupledoom is exhalted, a person who had a poor experience with their mother cannot even hope for a second chance, a good mother to allow them to experience this ideal of our understanding of mothering.
Yet we do have a collective understanding of mothering, and what it means to mother, one aspect of which is described in that hymn I mentioned. And as a faith body we can grow in our understanding of God's love when we ponder this incomprehensible love in the context of our yearning for mothering.
We can sing into Big Momma's arms, place our hurts, fears, worries and inadequacies on the ground, and just be.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Set back?
Unfortunate news: it seems that the flexible job which was going to allow me to study part-time while still earning enough money to support me and my partner is going through layoffs, and the job will be no more.
Not entirely sure where that means I'll be going or how it will work out.
Not entirely sure where that means I'll be going or how it will work out.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Application
I am putting the finishing touches on my "personal statement" for my application to a BTh/MDiv program. Since I am in the early stages of my discernment process, and since I am supporting not just myself but also my partner, I am not planning to start full-time studies next year. However, I figure I can start part-time studies (I am hoping to start with New Testament Greek) which will both allow me to focus on the class I am taking and will put me in a better position when I take other courses. More than one person has suggested doing Greek as a course on its own - I gather it's a bit of a challenge! Furthermore, I have heard that the final step of the discernment process (a meeting with a committee at the Provincial level) is generally only considered for people who are already pursuing studies, so I figure there is no harm.
Not to mention the fact that I am fascinated by languages. I look forward to being able to do exegesis in Greek - now won't that be fascinating??
Of course, this requires finishing my statement. Back to work!
Not to mention the fact that I am fascinated by languages. I look forward to being able to do exegesis in Greek - now won't that be fascinating??
Of course, this requires finishing my statement. Back to work!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
First step
Recently I handed in a form which officially starts me on the road to a public process of discerning a call for me to ordination in the Anglican Church. Like many things, this process is about small steps which are nevertheless significant - the first meeting with my rector when I managed to spit out the fact that I felt a call, the first time I mentioned this to a trusted friend, the first time I discussed this with my spouse in a real "let's make this happen" way. Each was significant. This time, I later found myself in church, contemplating the step. Taize chants do lend themselves to such contemplation particularly well.
Fiez-vous en Lui, ne craignez pas.
La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.
Fiez-vous en Lui.
Alleluia, alleluia!
Discernment is a strange process, unlike most of my previous life experiences. Here, my life is laid bare - I am offering my life up to my community in a much more direct way than most people do, and certainly more than I have ever done before. Here is my life - can it be of use? Do you see me working in this way?
La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.
Incredibly (to my mind) people have been almost entirely supportive. Everyone is so nice and so happy for me! It's strangely unexpected - I feel buoyed up by love I didn't even know was present. Yet despite this it is a fundamentally terrifying process, especially for someone who fears rejection as much as me. Will I be deemed lacking? Will I not "make it"? There is a long road ahead of me in the Anglican Church before I can know whether my life will in fact be headed this way. I hope to use this blog to journal my experience, my thoughts and fears and challenges. Perhaps you wil share my journey with me for a while.
Alleluia, alleluia!
Fiez-vous en Lui, ne craignez pas.
La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.
Fiez-vous en Lui.
Alleluia, alleluia!
Discernment is a strange process, unlike most of my previous life experiences. Here, my life is laid bare - I am offering my life up to my community in a much more direct way than most people do, and certainly more than I have ever done before. Here is my life - can it be of use? Do you see me working in this way?
La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.
Incredibly (to my mind) people have been almost entirely supportive. Everyone is so nice and so happy for me! It's strangely unexpected - I feel buoyed up by love I didn't even know was present. Yet despite this it is a fundamentally terrifying process, especially for someone who fears rejection as much as me. Will I be deemed lacking? Will I not "make it"? There is a long road ahead of me in the Anglican Church before I can know whether my life will in fact be headed this way. I hope to use this blog to journal my experience, my thoughts and fears and challenges. Perhaps you wil share my journey with me for a while.
Alleluia, alleluia!
Moving... on?
I have been deciding this for a while, but the walrus has spoken: the time has come. I don't intend to update this blog in the future unless there are things I want to blog that I don't mind having tied to my real-life persona. This blog isn't really annoymous enough that I am comfortable pouring out my soul, though I do like some of the things I have posted here (and I love the folks who have been kind enough to comment!). Between a livejournal blog that I use to keep abreast of old friends and a lack of pseudonymity that would allow me to blog the things that I worry about, this blog simply doesn't get any attention. Perhaps I will try to start afresh - perhaps not. That's the beauty of the Internet - even I can have a fresh start!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
And now for the meaty issues
"So, when are you going to have kids?"
This is the question that newlyweds fear, loath, avoid, and discuss at length. Afterall, as all grade-school children know, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ...
My husband and I are relatively lucky, in this regard, since given our age (young) and status (middle-class) we're not expected to have kids soon. The issue is certainly on the table, of course, and I am finding that I am terrible confused about the whole thing.
On the one hand, I want children. I have wanted children as long as I can remember, and I want them quite strongly, the sooner the better. Certainly if I were to get pregnant, I would be overjoyed and would not even consider abortion. We are in a position where we could afford children (in no small part because Quebec has some of the best maternity-leave and childcare policies I have ever heard of - certainly enough to make my European cousins quite jealous). My parents are almost retired, and are not too far away and quite supportive. We're both in a position where we could deal with kids, psychologically and so forth. By most measures, we're ready.
On the other hand, by many of the "intellectual class" measures, we're not ready. My husband is still in (law) school, we're young (not even 25!), and - perhaps most importantly - I don't have a career. I have a job, but it is temporary in so many ways. I have not ruled out the possibility of going back to school (it was always assumed I would get a ph.d. -- so much so that my parents didn't attend my graduation because it was only undergrad). One does not have children without being properly settled in a career, right?
Generally, I feel comfortable with the idea that I would have kids first, and then work out my career. Despite the added difficulty of navigating things once one has children, I think that the time it would take me to get oriented after having kids would allow me the time I need to figure out exactly what my career might look like. Articles like those by Linda Hirschman, and follow-up articles like this, just add to my confusion. Where do I start? How do I, as a young women only entering the workforce and my child-bearing/rearing years, use these discussions to guide my choices? Although it is interesting to read impassioned arguments from people who have made their choices and are now defending where they stand, I don't feel like they offer me the kind of information I need to make the best choices possible. I don't want to "let down" feminism, but neither am I seeking to be a poster-child for a cause (or a sacrificial lamb!). I am not a 20-something who is afraid of children - if I thought it reasonable, I would have kids tomorrow. But I worry about the impact children will have on my future - what if my marriage doesn't work out (God forbid)? What if I put my husband through law school, have one or two kids, and then wind up a single mom with no career propects? Terrifying. What if I have kids and go crazy because I don't feel I have a career to bolster and affirm my identity apart from the oh-so-dependent person I am raising?
Yet it would make good sense to have kids now: physically, I'll never be better off. My body can heal easily and (relatively) quickly. Sleep deprivation is something I can work through more easily now than in 10 years. I have the energy. I am so uncertain when it comes to career that another few years of stalling would be ideal, and why not use those years to start a family? Most importantly, of course, I just want kids.
(For the sake of this discussion, it is reasonable to assume that my husband is flexible when it comes to having kids - he would perhaps wait a bit longer than I would want were it entirely up to him, but he is not opposed to starting a family in the next few years.)
Questions. Are there even answers? Or just best guesses?
This is the question that newlyweds fear, loath, avoid, and discuss at length. Afterall, as all grade-school children know, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ...
My husband and I are relatively lucky, in this regard, since given our age (young) and status (middle-class) we're not expected to have kids soon. The issue is certainly on the table, of course, and I am finding that I am terrible confused about the whole thing.
On the one hand, I want children. I have wanted children as long as I can remember, and I want them quite strongly, the sooner the better. Certainly if I were to get pregnant, I would be overjoyed and would not even consider abortion. We are in a position where we could afford children (in no small part because Quebec has some of the best maternity-leave and childcare policies I have ever heard of - certainly enough to make my European cousins quite jealous). My parents are almost retired, and are not too far away and quite supportive. We're both in a position where we could deal with kids, psychologically and so forth. By most measures, we're ready.
On the other hand, by many of the "intellectual class" measures, we're not ready. My husband is still in (law) school, we're young (not even 25!), and - perhaps most importantly - I don't have a career. I have a job, but it is temporary in so many ways. I have not ruled out the possibility of going back to school (it was always assumed I would get a ph.d. -- so much so that my parents didn't attend my graduation because it was only undergrad). One does not have children without being properly settled in a career, right?
Generally, I feel comfortable with the idea that I would have kids first, and then work out my career. Despite the added difficulty of navigating things once one has children, I think that the time it would take me to get oriented after having kids would allow me the time I need to figure out exactly what my career might look like. Articles like those by Linda Hirschman, and follow-up articles like this, just add to my confusion. Where do I start? How do I, as a young women only entering the workforce and my child-bearing/rearing years, use these discussions to guide my choices? Although it is interesting to read impassioned arguments from people who have made their choices and are now defending where they stand, I don't feel like they offer me the kind of information I need to make the best choices possible. I don't want to "let down" feminism, but neither am I seeking to be a poster-child for a cause (or a sacrificial lamb!). I am not a 20-something who is afraid of children - if I thought it reasonable, I would have kids tomorrow. But I worry about the impact children will have on my future - what if my marriage doesn't work out (God forbid)? What if I put my husband through law school, have one or two kids, and then wind up a single mom with no career propects? Terrifying. What if I have kids and go crazy because I don't feel I have a career to bolster and affirm my identity apart from the oh-so-dependent person I am raising?
Yet it would make good sense to have kids now: physically, I'll never be better off. My body can heal easily and (relatively) quickly. Sleep deprivation is something I can work through more easily now than in 10 years. I have the energy. I am so uncertain when it comes to career that another few years of stalling would be ideal, and why not use those years to start a family? Most importantly, of course, I just want kids.
(For the sake of this discussion, it is reasonable to assume that my husband is flexible when it comes to having kids - he would perhaps wait a bit longer than I would want were it entirely up to him, but he is not opposed to starting a family in the next few years.)
Questions. Are there even answers? Or just best guesses?
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Friday poetry blogging, National Holiday edition
In honour of St Jean Baptiste and Canada Day (July 1), I present a poem by Michele Lalonde. It captures attitudes here in the 70s, though it also speaks more generally to the struggle for self-determination. I don't think a discussion of Quebec poetry would be complete without the inclusion of this powerful though long poem. For an english translation, go here. For a decent and suscinct historical discussion, see here.
I dare anyone to read and truly understand this poem in its context, and then claim that Quebec seperatism is a ridiculous, unfounded notion. I may not agree with it, but I certainly can understand how it originated.
------
Speak white
il est si beau de vous entendre
parler de Paradise Lost
ou du profil gracieux et anonyme qui tremble
dans les sonnets de Shakespeare
nous sommes un peuple inculte et bègue
mais ne sommes pas sourds au génie d'une langue
parlez avec l'accent de Milton et Byron et
Shelley et Keats
speak white
et pardonnez-nous de n'avoir pour réponse
que les chants rauques de nos ancêtres
et le chagrin de Nelligan
speak white
parlez de choses et d'autres
parlez-nous de la Grande Charte
ou du monument à Lincoln
du charme gris de la Tamise
de l'eau rose du Potomac
parlez-nous de vos traditions
nous sommes un peuple peu brillant
mais fort capable d'apprécier
toute l'importance des crumpets
ou du Boston Tea Party
mais quand vous really speak white
quand vous get down to brass tacks
pour parler du gracious living
et parler du standard de vie
et de la Grande Société
un peu plus fort alors speak white
haussez vos voix de contremaîtres
nous sommes un peu durs d'oreille
nous vivons trop près des machines
et n'entendons que notre souffle au-dessus des outils
speak white and loud
qu'on vous entende
de Saint-Henri à Saint-Domingue
oui quelle admirable langue
pour embaucher
donner des ordres
fixer l'heure de la mort à l'ouvrage
et de la pause qui rafraîchit
et ravigote le dollar
speak white
tell us that God is a great big shot
and that we're paid to trust him
speak white
parlez-nous production profits et pourcentages
speak white
c'est une langue riche
pour acheter
mais pour se vendre
mais pour se vendre à perte d'âme
mais pour se vendre
ah!
speak white
big deal
mais pour vous dire
l'éternité d'un jour de grève
pour raconter
une vie de peuple-concierge
mais pour rentrer chez nous le soir
à l'heure où le soleil s'en vient crever au-dessus des
ruelles
mais pour vous dire oui que le soleil se couche oui
chaque jour de nos vies à l'est de vos empires
rien ne vaut une langue à jurons
notre parlure pas très propre
tachée de cambouis et d'huile
speak white
soyez à l'aise dans vos mots
nous sommes un peuple rancunier
mais ne reprochons à personne
d'avoir le monopole
de la correction de langage
dans la langue douce de Shakespeare
avec l'accent de Longfellow
parlez un français pur et atrocement blanc
comme au Viet-Nam au Congo
parlez un allemand impeccable
une étoile jaune entre les dents
parlez russe parlez rappel à l'ordre parlez répression
speak white
c'est une langue universelle
nous sommes nés pour la comprendre
avec ses mots lacrymogènes
avec ses mots matraques
speak white
tell us again about Freedom and Democracy
nous savons que liberté est un mot noir
comme la misère est nègre
et comme le sang se mêle à la poussière des rues d'Alger
ou de Little Rock
speak white
de Westminster à Washington relayez-vous
speak white comme à Wall Street
white comme à Watts
be civilized
et comprenez notre parler de circonstance
quand vous nous demandez poliment
how do you do
et nous entendez vous répondre
we're doing all right
we're doing fine
we
are not alone
nous savons
que nous ne sommes pas seuls.
-- Michèle Lalonde
I dare anyone to read and truly understand this poem in its context, and then claim that Quebec seperatism is a ridiculous, unfounded notion. I may not agree with it, but I certainly can understand how it originated.
------
Speak white
il est si beau de vous entendre
parler de Paradise Lost
ou du profil gracieux et anonyme qui tremble
dans les sonnets de Shakespeare
nous sommes un peuple inculte et bègue
mais ne sommes pas sourds au génie d'une langue
parlez avec l'accent de Milton et Byron et
Shelley et Keats
speak white
et pardonnez-nous de n'avoir pour réponse
que les chants rauques de nos ancêtres
et le chagrin de Nelligan
speak white
parlez de choses et d'autres
parlez-nous de la Grande Charte
ou du monument à Lincoln
du charme gris de la Tamise
de l'eau rose du Potomac
parlez-nous de vos traditions
nous sommes un peuple peu brillant
mais fort capable d'apprécier
toute l'importance des crumpets
ou du Boston Tea Party
mais quand vous really speak white
quand vous get down to brass tacks
pour parler du gracious living
et parler du standard de vie
et de la Grande Société
un peu plus fort alors speak white
haussez vos voix de contremaîtres
nous sommes un peu durs d'oreille
nous vivons trop près des machines
et n'entendons que notre souffle au-dessus des outils
speak white and loud
qu'on vous entende
de Saint-Henri à Saint-Domingue
oui quelle admirable langue
pour embaucher
donner des ordres
fixer l'heure de la mort à l'ouvrage
et de la pause qui rafraîchit
et ravigote le dollar
speak white
tell us that God is a great big shot
and that we're paid to trust him
speak white
parlez-nous production profits et pourcentages
speak white
c'est une langue riche
pour acheter
mais pour se vendre
mais pour se vendre à perte d'âme
mais pour se vendre
ah!
speak white
big deal
mais pour vous dire
l'éternité d'un jour de grève
pour raconter
une vie de peuple-concierge
mais pour rentrer chez nous le soir
à l'heure où le soleil s'en vient crever au-dessus des
ruelles
mais pour vous dire oui que le soleil se couche oui
chaque jour de nos vies à l'est de vos empires
rien ne vaut une langue à jurons
notre parlure pas très propre
tachée de cambouis et d'huile
speak white
soyez à l'aise dans vos mots
nous sommes un peuple rancunier
mais ne reprochons à personne
d'avoir le monopole
de la correction de langage
dans la langue douce de Shakespeare
avec l'accent de Longfellow
parlez un français pur et atrocement blanc
comme au Viet-Nam au Congo
parlez un allemand impeccable
une étoile jaune entre les dents
parlez russe parlez rappel à l'ordre parlez répression
speak white
c'est une langue universelle
nous sommes nés pour la comprendre
avec ses mots lacrymogènes
avec ses mots matraques
speak white
tell us again about Freedom and Democracy
nous savons que liberté est un mot noir
comme la misère est nègre
et comme le sang se mêle à la poussière des rues d'Alger
ou de Little Rock
speak white
de Westminster à Washington relayez-vous
speak white comme à Wall Street
white comme à Watts
be civilized
et comprenez notre parler de circonstance
quand vous nous demandez poliment
how do you do
et nous entendez vous répondre
we're doing all right
we're doing fine
we
are not alone
nous savons
que nous ne sommes pas seuls.
-- Michèle Lalonde
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Update
I've been avoiding blogging for a while (almost two months!) because I'm not quite sure where to start. There are various issues I've been struggling to puzzle out, and I wasn't sure how to start blogging them. I've decided to give it another try; perhaps I'll figure things out better when I write them down.
Mostly, I'm struggling to figure out how I fit into the world (I feel like such a caricature of my demographic!) - who am I? Who do I want to be? How am I going to get there? How can I make the choices I feel pulled to make without sidelining other things that are important to me? These are the questions that fill my days.
In two weeks, we leave for our honeymoon and for the "second part" of the wedding - we'll be getting blessed in a Catholic church in Poland, where Mr.P's extended family lives. My Polish is mostly non-existant, which means this will be an exercise is body language! I still need to tie up various details - train pass, an outfit or two for formal dinners, confirming cat-sitting for our absence, etc. Hopefully I will update before we leave!
Mostly, I'm struggling to figure out how I fit into the world (I feel like such a caricature of my demographic!) - who am I? Who do I want to be? How am I going to get there? How can I make the choices I feel pulled to make without sidelining other things that are important to me? These are the questions that fill my days.
In two weeks, we leave for our honeymoon and for the "second part" of the wedding - we'll be getting blessed in a Catholic church in Poland, where Mr.P's extended family lives. My Polish is mostly non-existant, which means this will be an exercise is body language! I still need to tie up various details - train pass, an outfit or two for formal dinners, confirming cat-sitting for our absence, etc. Hopefully I will update before we leave!
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