Tuesday, May 01, 2007

First step

Recently I handed in a form which officially starts me on the road to a public process of discerning a call for me to ordination in the Anglican Church. Like many things, this process is about small steps which are nevertheless significant - the first meeting with my rector when I managed to spit out the fact that I felt a call, the first time I mentioned this to a trusted friend, the first time I discussed this with my spouse in a real "let's make this happen" way. Each was significant. This time, I later found myself in church, contemplating the step. Taize chants do lend themselves to such contemplation particularly well.

Fiez-vous en Lui, ne craignez pas.
La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.
Fiez-vous en Lui.
Alleluia, alleluia!

Discernment is a strange process, unlike most of my previous life experiences. Here, my life is laid bare - I am offering my life up to my community in a much more direct way than most people do, and certainly more than I have ever done before. Here is my life - can it be of use? Do you see me working in this way?

La paix de Dieu gardera vos coeurs.

Incredibly (to my mind) people have been almost entirely supportive. Everyone is so nice and so happy for me! It's strangely unexpected - I feel buoyed up by love I didn't even know was present. Yet despite this it is a fundamentally terrifying process, especially for someone who fears rejection as much as me. Will I be deemed lacking? Will I not "make it"? There is a long road ahead of me in the Anglican Church before I can know whether my life will in fact be headed this way. I hope to use this blog to journal my experience, my thoughts and fears and challenges. Perhaps you wil share my journey with me for a while.

Alleluia, alleluia!


Jared Cramer said...

"It's strangely unexpected - I feel buoyed up by love I didn't even know was present."

Regardless of whether your discernment turns towards the priesthood or towards another path, I pray that you'll find yourself surprised by the strangely unexpected buoy of the love of your faith community to be an ever-present part of your discernment process. I know it was in my own.

patience said...

Thanks Jared!